My last post has made me think a little more about my situation, and how I always seem to end up the “victim”. Is it possible to make yourself a victim? That through your actions and words you can make people treat you in the way that you’re “accustomed”?
Not one of my “long term” relationships has ended well – well certainly not for me anyway. I’ve always been made to feel that any issues during or the reasons for ending them were my fault. That I wasn’t good enough. That I didn’t try hard enough. Or, that during one particular relationship, that I was “too nice”!
I’m well known as someone who over-thinks things, who looks for a reason for everything in life – and although I do like the saying “Shit Happens” I can’t help but try to analyse WHY shit happens.
Am I making myself a victim through my actions? Do I love too hard too soon? Am I just destined to be treated like a door mat time after time?
Right now I’m thinking yes to all three questions…! TTB x
I’ve been fighting a battle this last week or so – hence the lack of posts – and although the battle has been with myself I’m not so sure that I’m winning. The battle started off with great intentions, I was adamant that I wasn’t going to fall into the same traps as before, and that this time I would be strong enough to make the decisions that everyone would tell me are right. But when the push came to shove I couldn’t do it. Once again, I took that sucker punch to the stomach, knife to the heart and all the other clichés that go along with those and hung about. I made up so many excuses for his cheating that by the end of the week I’d managed to convince myself it was my own fault and that I had somehow made this thing happen. If I’d left things alone, then the other “thing” would have run its course in time, I’d never have known and would still be living the blissful life I had 10 days ago.
Well tonight things seem to have changed. I’m not so sure that the decisions I made were the right ones for me. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I REALLY want to have this man in my life. I don’t want to lose what we had, even though it all appears to have been a sham. (Was it ALL a lie? I don’t think so, but then I thought we were both happy and now it seems he wasn’t!) I’m not coping with the wondering if he’s calling her when he isn’t talking to me. I know he isn’t with her (which is one good thing!) but I have no idea if he’s still communicating with her as if nothing has happened. As if I don’t know about her. Has he told her about me? I wouldn’t think so – he’s still “weighing up his options”! And as callous as that sounds, that’s just what I’m feeling right now!
All of this has come about, despite having spoken to him, and knowing that right now is not a good time for him to make a decision about his life (see – excuses again! I SHOULD be strong enough to give him an ultimatum, but I really don’t have it in me. And yes, it’s because I’m afraid that I already know his decision…!) But now I don’t want to wait any longer for a decision from him. I want him to choose. I want him to know what he wants. I want him to know what he’s going to do.
Should I tell him I want a decision now? Of course I should! But I won’t. Our only communication is by email or phone at the moment (he’s working offshore) and this probably isn’t the kind of conversation to have electronically but I know he’ll read this. I know he knows that I’m feeling down tonight. And I know he knows why.
I posted a short while ago about trust – I trusted and had it all thrown back in my face! Well done me!
Sometimes all you can do is not think
Trust. An issue that has been concerning couples the world over for centuries…
Do I trust him? Should I trust her?
Learning to trust isn’t an easy thing if you’ve had your trust shattered in the past. And it’s really, REALLY hard if you’ve had it battered to pieces time after time after time.
But here’s the thing – if it’s a new relationship, a new partnership then you really HAVE to trust them right from the start, right? If they’ve never given you a reason NOT to trust them then you have to – it’s all part of the new journey you’ve set yourself on. It’s one of the required foundation blocks that are crucial to building a partnership. Without it, things are always going to be rocky and unstable. And as any builder will tell you, you can’t simply slot a foundation stone in once you’ve decided you like the look of it!
Until someone gives you a reason (and I mean a reason, not a doubt or an inkling) then trust is one of the most important parts of being in a relationship. So unless you want to waste precious time worrying, thinking, doubting, then give them your trust. There is no future without it…!