Monthly Archives: August 2012

Too stupid to compute??

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause’.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:  ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’

Caller:  ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’

Operator: ‘What sort of trouble??’

Caller:’Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’

Operator: ‘Went away?’

Caller: ‘They disappeared.’

Operator: ‘Hmm So what does your screen look like now?’

Caller: ‘Nothing.’

Operator: ‘Nothing??’

Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’

Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??’

Caller: ‘How do I tell?’

Operator: ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??’

Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’

Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’

Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’

Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’

Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’

Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??’

Caller: ‘I don’t know.’

Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’

Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’

Operator: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.

Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’

Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??’

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’

Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’

Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’

Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’

Operator: ‘Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??’

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??’

Caller: ‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.’

Operator: ‘Dark??’

Caller: ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. ‘

Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’

Caller: ‘I can’t.’

Operator: ‘No? Why not??’

Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure.’

Operator:  ‘A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??’

Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’

Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’

Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’

Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’

Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??’

Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too bloody stupid to own a computer!!!!!’

TTB

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You simply must…

…follow this guy. I’ve just spent the last couple of hours reading through his posts – some of them I read more than once!

He puts my ramblings to shame – simply beautiful.

The Ranting Hippy – a ray of light in a dark world.

TTB

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The International Council of Man Laws

Update: Following discussion with a “Real” man – number 2 has had an option added… Just want to make sure that ALL men are included! 😉 TTB

These are brilliant…!

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
(e) When the love of your life sends you messages and links proving her undying love of your sexual prowess.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she’s officially your girlfriend.

10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

13. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

15. Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

21. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green, yellow, orange or sky blue.

22. The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an Xbox 360 or a Playstation- End of story.

23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

24. Never wear a man bag to work.

25. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

‘GUTS’ is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, ‘are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’
‘BALLS’ is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, ‘You’re next fatty!’

I hope this clears up any confusion!

TTB

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