Taking some time out for myself and spending the time thinking, walking and just enjoying this amazing summer has shown me a lot of things about myself and my life, things that deep down inside I kinda knew anyway. It just took some time away to realise that the means to a happy(ish) life were things I had inside me all the time.
I’ve spent so much of my time and energy over the last few years looking for what I thought was missing from my life – and it took me until recently to find it. I always suspected that I was truly incapable of feeling real love – you know the kind, the butterfly kind of love, the “Holy Shit, I really need him” kind of love – but last year I found it. And knowing that I am capable of it is really all I needed. I know for sure that I’m not completely dead inside, and that I AM capable of feeling…!
The fact that the love isn’t returned doesn’t matter. I know that sounds odd, but it really doesn’t matter. I thought it did, and was beating myself up inside about the fact that I couldn’t even find anyone to love me, but it turns out that the only people I need love from are my children. And I KNOW that they love me… unconditionally, just as I do them. And THAT’S what matters…! Not whether or not I’ve done something wrong, or whether I said something the wrong way, or if I’m not thin enough, or if I’m not pretty enough, or not clever enough, or not rich enough… none of that shit matters…!
I’m alive, I have a future, I have a family. I work hard, and I keep a roof over our heads by doing that! I take no charity from anyone, and I can hold my head high when anyone looks at me with that “Ah, she’s a single mum…!” expression on their face. Because despite knowing what they are thinking, I KNOW the truth. What my kids and I have is because I’ve earned it and paid for it… and that’s good enough for me.
Does all of this mean that I’m giving up on men and love…? Not at all…! I found “The One” and I don’t plan on giving him up without a fight. But it won’t be the be all and end all if we don’t end up together that it would have been a week ago. It just means that I’ve come to accept that what’s for me won’t go by me, and if it’s not mine, then I can’t keep it against it’s will.