Am I coping with depression or hiding from it?

It’s lonely.  The loneliness gets to me the most. No matter how supportive a group of family and friends I had, they don’t understand – can’t understand – so you hide it. You hide it from everyone, including yourself. But it’s always there. Some days are good, some are bad, and some are just downright awful. I call them my “dips”.  Therapy helped, medication too, but what they really help with is knowing the signs, knowing when a “dip” is coming and help you be able to manage it – as much as you CAN manage it.

Nothing wrong with me...!

I’m fine

With me it all started with anxiety. Had I recognised it as an illness rather than a personal weakness it may well not have manifested into what it did.  Working too hard, too many hours, trying to balance life at home raising two kids on my own on a tight budget, just trying to hold on to everything without having to ask for help.

Man up

And then the inexplicable tears, emotions and feelings of worthlessness kick in.  The feeling that no one cares.  The feeling that you’re useless. The feeling that no one wants or needs you. That you’re a burden and everyone would be better off without you there. And that’s the dark hole that’s so easy to fall into, but it’s not one that is easy to escape from.  Well, there is ONE escape. And it’s something I think about each and every day.

strongest

And I still don’t ask for help. My parents still don’t know how bad it gets. Fortunately the kids only think I’m tired from working too hard. My friends think I’m the life and soul, always the happy, go-lucky woman who seems to keep her sense of humour when everything’s dark inside.  But it’s all a mask. Something to hide behind. Because that’s what I do. I hide. From everyone. From everything. From myself.

TTB xx

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