You would think after 5 months that I would be getting stronger day by day, that I would be able to go for a few hours at least without thinking about him. But no – he’s still at the forefront of my mind ALL day. I check my phone every 5 minutes just in case I didn’t hear the text that he hasn’t sent, or the email that he hasn’t written, or the call he hasn’t made. I find myself bursting into tears (as I am now) when I think about him, speak about him, dream about him – I actually woke up crying the other night which can’t be a good sign!
I still talk to him. Almost every day. Except when he’s with her. I’m trying to support him through everything he’s going through at the moment, but then I remember that I’d really like some support too. But who can I turn to? If I told anyone about my current situation they’d only tell me that I need to make a clean break. Move on. Forget. But I don’t want to. I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all. (I’m sure that’s a line from a country song that I’ve probably played over and over these last few months.)
It’s now 2.45 in the morning and I’m still wide awake, thinking about him. Wishing he was lying awake thinking about me but I know he won’t be. He’s a sound sleeper – never has any trouble falling asleep. Besides, what right do I have to expect him to be thinking of me? We are no longer a couple. He has another woman. He should be lying thinking about her and not me.
Besides, one of us getting no sleep is one too many as it is…